Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
