i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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