dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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