My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The beer is more important than you right now.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
