im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
