My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
