this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
