I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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