Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
