It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Did you just see the Batmobile???
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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