The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
