if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
