so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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