My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
