It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
