trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
