I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
sarcasm needs its own font
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
