I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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