I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize