I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
