Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
