I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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