Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
