ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
