absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
