We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
