He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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