can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
