there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
