Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
