i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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