Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
