Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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