I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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