I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize