He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
