the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
