I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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