Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
