It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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