finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
