If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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