That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
