I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
