a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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