My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
