Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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