well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just gift wrapped bread.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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