I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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