I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
