I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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