dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
