i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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