for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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