Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
