Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
