i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
