So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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