I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
