WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
