come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
