There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
