dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
