so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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