You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
