Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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